kokopellinelli (kokopellinelli) wrote,

I just found this amusing list I hand-wrote a number of years ago, that I got from the Scott Adams book "The Joy of Work: Dilbert's Guide to Finding Happiness at the Expense of Your Coworkers." I thought many of you might enjoy it.

"How To Tell If You Are Talking To An Idiot"

1. Amazingly Bad Analogy: Ex. You can train a dog to fetch a stick. Therefore you can train a potato to dance.

2. Faulty Cause and Effect: Ex. On the basis of my observations, wearing huge pants makes you fat.

3. I am the World: Ex. I don't listen to country music. Therefore, country music is not popular.

4. Ignoring Everything Science Knows About the Brain: Ex. People choose to be obese/gay/alcoholic because they prefer the lifestyle.

5. The Few are the Same as the Whole: Ex. Some Elbonians are animals rights activists. Some Elbonians wear fur coats. Therefore, Elbonians are hypocrites.

6. Generalizing from Self: Ex. I'm a liar. Therefore, I don't believe what you're saying.

7. Argument by Bizarre Definition: Ex. He's not a criminal. He just does things that are against the law.

8. Total Logical Disconnect: Ex. I enjoy pasta because my house is made of bricks.

9. Judging Things Without Comparison to Alternatives: Ex. I don't invest in U.S. Treasury bills. There's too much risk.

10. Anything You Don't Understand is Easy to Do: Ex. If you have the right tools, how hard could it be to generate nuclear fission at home?

11. Ignorance of Statistics: Ex. I'm putting ALL of my money on the lottery this week because the jackpot is so big.

12. Ignoring the Downside Risk: Ex. I know that bungee jumping could kill me, but it's 3 seconds of great fun!

13. Substituting Famous Quotes for Common Sense: Ex. Remember, "All things come to those who wait." So don't bother looking for a job.

14. Irrelevant Comparisons: Ex. A hundred dollars is a good price for a toaster, compared to buying a Ferrari.

15. Circular Reasoning: Ex. I'm correct because I'm smarter than you. And I must be smarter than you because I'm correct.

16. Incompleteness as Proof of Defect: Ex. Your theory of gravity doesn't address the question of why there are no unicorns, so it must be wrong.

17. Ignoring the Advice of Experts Without Good Reason: Ex. Sure, the experts think you shouldn't ride a bicycle into the eye of a hurricane, but I have my own theory.

18. Following the Advice of Known Idiots: Uncle Billy says pork makes you smarter. That's good enough for me!

19. Reaching Bizarre Conclusions Without Any Information: Ex. The car won't start. I'm certain the spark plugs have been stolen by rogue clowns.

20. Faulty Pattern Recognition: Ex. His last 6 wives were murdered mysteriously. I hope to be wife number seven.

21. Failure to Recognize What's Important: Ex. My house is on fire! Quick, call the post office and tell them to hold my mail!

22. Unclear on the Subject of Sunk Costs: Ex. We've spent millions developing a water-powered pogo stick. We can't stop investing now or it will all be wasted.

23. Overapplication of Occam's Razor (Which Says the Simplest Explanation is Usually Right): Ex. The simplest explanation for the moon landings is that they were hoaxes.

24. Ignoring All Anecdotal Evidence: Ex. I always get hives immediately after eating strawberries. But without a scientifically controlled experiment, it's not reliable data. So I continue to eat strawberries every day, since I can't tell if they cause hives.

25. Inability to Understand That Some Things Have Multiple Causes: Ex. The Beatles were popular for one reason only: they were good singers.

26. Judging the Whole by One of Its Characteristics: Ex. The sun causes sunburns. Therefore, the planet would be better off without the sun.

27. Blinding Flashes of the Obvious: Ex. If everyone had more money, we could eliminate poverty.

28. Blaming the Tool: Ex. I bought an encyclopedia but I'm still stupid. This encyclopedia must be defective.

29. Hallucinations of Reality: Ex. I got my facts from a talking tree.

30. Talking Things to Their Illogical Conclusion: Ex. If you let your barber cut your hair, the next thing you know he'll be lopping off your limbs.

31. Failure to Understand Why Rules Don't Have Exceptions: Ex. It should be legal to shoplift, as long as you don't take enough to hurt the company's earnings.

32. Proof by Lack of Evidence: I've never seen you drunk, so you must be one of those Amish people.

Tags: dilbert, humor, idiots, list
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