kokopellinelli (kokopellinelli) wrote,
kokopellinelli
kokopellinelli

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Okay. So.

Since I have not yet found a job (still looking. blarg.) I figured I should at least try to do something with my time.

Since I have a B.A. in English and Writing, presumably that thing should be writing. Anything. Stories, papers, articles. Greeting cards. The problem, y'see, is motivation. And inspiration. Do not be surprised if you someday turn on LiveJournal and see random neural firings from yours truly covering your friends page.

Then again, don't be surprised if you see nothing at all, because it means I've stuck my brain in the microwave to watch it spark and forgotten to take it out again.

I always seem to start a story (one that I think will be very good) and I get a chapter or two into it, then my little brain (the spare one I haven't microwaved) says, "Meh." and the story gets abandoned.

Same thing with pictures. I love to draw. I never finish pictures, because once I've put details on the central figure, the rest seems boring. AND another thing! WHAT IS WITH THIS?? I start sketching, just sketching, thinking, "Just a sketch. So what if it sucks?" Then the sketch turns into a picture. A good one. One I can be proud of. Then I'm like, "EEK. If I keep working on it I will destroy it! It will never be this good again! DO NOT FINISH!" So I don't. And I'm left with a sketchy picture that is really cool but only half done because OMG if I ruin it I shall burn in Heck for all eternity nooooooooooo. Heck is where you go if you didn't kill or rape anyone. Minor crimes, like stealing pencils or picking the flowers in the city park. I learned this from Dilbert.

I really should get out of the house more. I am thinking of going for another walk today, but what if I encounter the pretty giggly teenagers again?

WHY DO I EVEN CARE SO MUCH?? WHAT THE HELL.

I will go walking again today. And if I DO encounter the teenagers again, I will hold up my chin, look straight at them, and smile a friendly, self-confident smile that says, "You're pretty, but I'm wise. I know all the things you know and many you don't. I can smile at you with no sense of insecurity or smugness because I have been where you are, and I got through it okay, and if you notice me this time, you will envy me. Not because I'm better, but because I am happy with me."

They don't have to know I'm jobless and sometimes pathetic. Because I'm working on it. And someday I will actually BELIEVE those things I just said.
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