May 31st, 2004


Slumber Party of DOOM

Picture this, dear readers:

Tis a dark and stormy night (dark, yes; stormy, no) and two young roommates are preparing to go to sleep (at about 2 AM). They lay in their beds, just finishing up the last bits of the chapters in the books they're reading.

Now, the darker of the two, (we shall call her Elenor), is on the last paragraph of the last chapter of her book (The Viking's Passion) and she angles her head a bit so she can better see the final page. Out of the corner of her eye, she notices a dark splotch on the wall next to her bed; a splotch that, perhaps, had not been there before. She turns her head to better see and, horror of horrors, that splotch develops legs, and eyes, and certainly fangs.

Shrieking very unladylike things to the world, Elenor flings herself from her bed and scrambles across the room in a most undignified position, til she comes up against the opposite wall. Her fair roommate, (whom we shall name Rhia), is shrieking also, if for no other reason than in sympathy.

As Elenor turns back to her innocent bed, the monster comes into focus, and is surely no less frightening than the Giant Spider Og from the My Little Pony movie. Its fangs glisten in the lamplight and its red eyes gleam malevolently at the two human females in the room, for Spiders are like Dragons; their favorite thing to eat of is the tender flesh of young females...

Rhia has leapt to defend her friend Elenor, who is of less than stable mind, and she grabs from its noble perch on the wall Bugsucker, the mighty war vacuum that was once wielded by Sir Prince the Spider-Slayer himself, all those many years ago.

Unfortunately, Bugsucker's noble and long-lived battery, called Duracell, chooses this very moment to die of old age.

"Curses!" exclaims Rhia. "Whatever shall we do now?"

Elenor rouses herself from where she's huddling on the floor, crying, enough to say in a trembling (but very ladylike) voice, "If I smack it, will you scoop it?"

"Certainly," replies gentle Rhia, helping her friend to stand. She steps into the the powder room and returns with a mighty wad of toilet paper, as the trembling Elenor removes the bugswatter from its resting place next to Bugsucker. Now, unlike Bugsucker, this swatter has nothing special about it; it has never been carried to battle. The swatter's only claim to fame is as a fine assassin now and then, in the young damsels' time of need.

The girls troop across the room, one fair and one dark, their hair shimmering in the lamplight like two torches. As she approaches the great Og-monster, Elenor's courage once again fails her, for though she loves rodents and has snakes and lizards as pets, nothing can send her into a panic as quickly and effortlessly as an Arachnid. She stops, trembling, with tears streaming down her face, still five feet from where Og crouches smugly, and she simply cannot make her feet take another step.

Rhia sees this and takes pity on her friend, for though she, too, is afeared of Arachnids and all things buggy, she is the braver of the two by far. She gently wrests the swatter away from unstable Elenor and says, "I will do it."

She then cautiously steps onto the bed, the simple pallet upon which poor Elenor sleeps, and moves closer to Og, who watches her with disinterest. Monsters always have a smugness to them, for they believe they are unbeatable, and that, gentle readers, is every monster's downfall.

Even as glorious Rhia steps forward and removes the simple swatter from its battered sheath, Og yawns and waits for his next meal, who, (he believes), is drawing closer every second.

The battle is short indeed. A mighty thrust, a great brown splatter, and the fearsome Og is dead, just like that. Rhia scoops up the great Og's remains and flushes them down the john, while unstable Elenor stares at the wall where Og's mighty juices remain.

Rhia returns to the room and reverently places the noble swatter, whom she christens SpiderBane, back on the wall. She hugs her roommate and murmurs, "It is over. We have won."

Elenor nods and sniffles. "Thank you for saving me. But there's no frickin way I'm sleeping down here. I'm going upstairs."

Rhia nods with relief and says, "I'll go with you. It'll be a slumber party."

Ah, dear readers. How I wish I could tell you that this story happened long ago and far away, and that these ladies went on to something great, but alas, I cannot. For you see, dear readers, the valiant Rhia is my roommate, and poor unstable Elenor is none other than I, your humble narrator.


Keels and I slept on the futon mattress last night. It was about 2 AM when we came upstairs, and Keels planned on reading another chapter of her book, so I decided to type up our little "adventure" on Ni's laptop. Unfortunately, after I'd gotten about 5 or six paragraphs, the laptop crapped out on me, so I am writing this the next morning. was a frickin huge spider, I don't know what kind and I refuse to look it up. We've never seen one like it in our bedroom before. I just hope it was the only one. Keels informed me that it wasn't poisonous, at least, as the only poisonous spiders we have here are widows, recluses, and hoboes, and it wasn't any of those. But goddamn was it big.

Arachnophobic? Is it that obvious?
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    Replaying my screams in my head...embarrassing.