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JEEBUS FRIES!

November 26th, 2004

01:26 pm

I know I'm a bad person. I know. But I can't help it. I always watch Jerry Springer. It's so bad. But it reminds me that no matter how bad my life seems, it could be soooo much worse.

I know that the people that go on this show are most likely actors (and tell me how it is that they find all the plug-ugliest people in the U.S. to go on this show) but even just the fact they're willing to go on this show in the first place makes me happy to be me. It's not often I feel like I'm better than someone, but it's a good show when I'm needing a boost that doesn't require brains.

The ones that are the best (or worse, or most horrifying, however you care to look at it) are the episodes about "My 16-year-old ho-bag of a daughter ran off with my boyfriend and she took my dog, too!" I have a wonderful relationship with my mother, so I can't imagine doing something like this to the woman who gave birth to you. And this pisses me off, too: "I love you, but I had to sleep with your brother because he brought me chicken. But it only happened 5 times."

If you love someone, shouldn't you NOT be trying to ruin their life? Possibly it's just me.

And now that I think about it, how sad is it that I'm gauging my worthfulness by the self-proclaimed Worst Show on Television? I must be extra pathetic. Now I'm depressed again...no wait, that chick just decked her mom and is now being proposed to by the mother's boyfriend...I feel good again.

...Christ, I'm sick.

04:19 pm

When I was 7 or 8, a friend of mine had a doll, a wonderful 3-foot-tall doll that could blink, talk, and even tell if it was light or dark. I wanted that doll. It's true, I coveted her, which was particularily bad because this friend came from a family of very religious people. 'Course, at the time, I didn't know what 'covet' was, so I didn't feel guilty.

Anyway, I told my parents about this talking doll, and that I wanted one just like it. So it came to be that on Christmas morning, I came out of my room and there, propped under the tree with her eyes closed, was a doll.

It wasn't like my friend's doll. She wasn't as big, and not as dressy. But it was my own baby doll. So I ran forward in my nightgown and snatched up the sleeping toy, crying "A doll!" As I lifted her, her sky-blue eyes flew open and she yelled, "MAMA! FEED ME!" and I screamed and threw her on the floor and ran into the kitchen.

My parents laughed at me. After a few minutes, I overcame my start. I loved that baby doll for a few months. But one night, on a sleepover at a friend's house (not the same friend who had the original doll) we were telling ghost stories. Her story was about a Chinese doll who was left on a store shelf so long she grew to resent humans for not loving her, and when someone finally bought her (on sale, *gasp*) she killed them with a butcher knife. Then she went back to the store and waited for someone else to buy her.

After that night, I didn't like talking dolls much.

I stopped playing with my doll. She became a permanent part of the corner of my room, where I shoved things to get them out of the way. Eventually, she wound up at the bottom of the pile. That was fine with me. Until the night she woke up.

I was getting ready for bed. Fluffing my pillow, settling my stuffed dog into the covers, that sort of thing. And from the corner of the room I heard, in a faint, sick-sounding warble, "Maa-maa. Feeeed meeee."

O___o

"Maa-maa. Plaay wiiith meeeee. Feeed meee." *voice lowered to a growl* "Iii loooooove yoooouuu."

Me: AAAAAAAAAAUUGH! *grabbed doll and literally threw her out the window*

Turns out she'd been lying on my heater grate and had malfunctioned. Who'da thunk?

I think my mom must have found her and gotten rid of her or something, because a few months later when I finally got up the courage to go look under my window for the doll, she wasn't there. I try not to contemplate the thought that she might have simply walked away. I still to this day jump into my bed to avoid getting stabbed in the feet from crazed dolls hiding underneath.

My children will be getting stuffed animals.
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