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JEEBUS FRIES!

December 28th, 2004

04:39 pm

I went for a walk today. Soon after I left the apartment, I saw a trio of people walking toward me. I crossed the street to the opposite sidewalk, because I thought at first it might be a bunch of the opposite sex, who I happen to be very shy around and with whom I prefer to avoid eye contact. As I drew closer, though, I realized it was a trio of teenage girls. On the heels of that realization came another: I would have preferred the males. The reason for this is because (and I know this is silly), though I graduated from high school 5 and a half years ago, teenage people and especially teenage girls still have the power to make me cringe. Inside, I am still that awkward, chubby, badly-dressed girl I was in junior high and high school. Actually, I'm still that girl on the outside, too, just happier with it now.

The point is, I was walking along, feeling good, and suddenly this small group of TEENAGERS makes me break into a cold sweat just because they look beautiful and confident, chatting and laughing about boys or whatever. I had dressed carefully before I left the house, and I thought I looked cute, but the sight of three casually dressed 15-year-olds brought back flashes of junior high and high school.

The thing is, I wasn't even teased that badly as a teen. I hear stories of kids who are beat up or spit on for being "nerds," and I wasn't. I was laughed at sometimes (for being a major teacher's pet...TOTAL brown-noser...I'm not proud of that) and for not dressing fashionably, and for parting my hair down the middle. But my school was fairly small and so most people knew and were fairly friendly to everyone else.

As they passed, they kept right on talking and giggling, confirming my guess that I'm a spaz and they could care less about me. Did that stop me from feeling like a freak? Nope. And then I passed them again on the way back. Once again, they didn't even look at me. No clue that I am consumed by insecurities around them.

I had thought that I was gaining confidence as I grew older. I look and feel better than I ever have. I am a nicer person. I'm smarter. But clearly I'm not less of a spaz. Therefore, my conclusion. "Kokopellinelli: Not fit for social interaction."

I plan on moving into a cave on a secluded mountaintop and living as a hermit. I will have a garden with herbs and vegetables, and a cat for petting. I will dispense pearls of wisdom to random strangers who happen to find their way to my glade. If anyone wants to come visit, feel free. Dress grungy.

EDIT: On a happier note, I saw a birdie on my walk. He was some kind of raptor...gray in color and maybe a foot tall, maybe a little less. I don't know what he was, but he was pretty.
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